Brothers & Sisters

photo: Holly Lawrence

With summer comes more together time for kids, even my 3 busy teens. I get to see the (mostly) good and (occasional) bad & ugly of this on a daily basis, but one thing that strikes me is how seeing sibling closeness in action becomes even more powerful and gratifying as they--and I-- get older and they inch ever closer to independent adult life. Because we can't live forever, knowing our kids will be there for each other is at the top of a parent's wish list, or at least mine. Some of this is out of our control (see that "independent life" part), but the basic patterns of caring for each other can be nurtured in sibs, starting very young. Here's a nice post from vlogger/social media consultant Danielle Smith on how she uses one key question to nudge her kids into respecting, protecting & encouraging each other: "Am I being kind?"

Kindness Pays

(photo credit: T1m0thy77 via photopin cc)

In the fraught world of playground politics, think nice guys finish last? Guess again. A 4-week study found kind kids are happier and better liked by peers. Working with 400 9- to 11-year-olds, the universities conducting the study assigned half the group three simple positive acts per week. At the end of the study period, not only did the kids who performed those acts score higher on happiness measures (which, researchers say, aligns with research on the effect of positive behavior on adult states-of-mind), but they were also chosen by more peers for collaborative classroom activities. Sounds like following the golden rule may be a golden ticket to happier school years.

Heartbreak Hotel

(photo: Sontra via photopin cc)

While this Valentine's Day will be heart-filled & happy for many teens, it's a sad fact of life that for some, the timing will be awful. February is indeed the cruelest month for a romantic breakup. But just like being a good friend is the top way kids can help kids in day to day life, being a caring, respectful boyfriend or girlfriend can turn any teen into an everyday hero -- especially when it's time to end a relationship. Here's some good advice for breakups, culled from kidshealth.org:

Do:

• Be honest about why you're breaking up with your guy or girl, but not brutally so. Use tact.
• Think through all the ways the person might react, and try to prepare yourself. 
• Break up in person! Would you want someone to break up with you via Facebook or text?

Don't:

• Rush the conversation. Take some time to consider your reasons and how you'll handle this.
• Tell others beforehand that you're planning to break up with your GF or BF. They might blab.
• Badmouth or gossip about your ex after you've broken up. Golden Rule, karma, whatever you call it -- it's just not smart.

Teens who find themselves guiding a friend through splitsville may want to show him or her this online "mending a broken heart" quiz from WebMD. Answering it together is a fun distraction, and you'll both learn something in the process.

Gifted & Giving

One student helps another at North Elementary, Des Plaines, Ill.

When a friend visited recently from Calif., we were catching up on the kids, and she mentioned being pleased with her younger son -- very advanced academically -- for helping out a struggling classmate with some math problems. It was a contrast to what I'd seen written by other parents of gifted kids, many of whom seem to resent their kids being asked to serve as "unpaid assistants" to the teacher. Plenty of experts, too, are opposed to gifted kids tutoring peers in the classroom. I can see how this could misfire, at best, if not well managed and monitored. On the other hand, I wonder if the anti-tutoring parents and experts have considered the potential social and emotional learning benefits for gifted kids. In some cases, academically average or even struggling kids are socially adept, while academically gifted kids may struggle socially. Peer tutoring certainly isn't the only tool for helping them help each other, but done right, it may be worth a try.

Here's a nice parent post that's pro peer tutoring, with caveats.

Helping Out, Hanging Out

(image: plainfield.patch.com)

Greeting friends in the hall: A minor matter for most teens, but for those with autism and other disabilities that affect social interaction, it can take practice. And who better to practice with than typical peers? Adults "don't have the same know-how or the insider information" as peers, said speech-language pathologist Christopher Spiel of the Peer Communication Group he started two years ago at Plainfield East High School in Illinois.

Teacher-recommended students who have a solid academic record and are known as good role models can trade study hall time for a chance to work with their special-needs peers twice a week, facilitated by Spiel and a social worker. Volunteers go through a two-hour training, and the group focuses on trust and relationship building before tackling specific skills. "Special education students [are] self-conscious and ... don't like to show their weakness," Spiel told Plainfield Patch. "We spend a lot of time to develop trust."

Once a month, the students kick back together at Hang Time Club, which Spiel personally funds to give the special-education students a chance to snack, play games, and just enjoy people outside of their families.

A comment from peer helper Myles Walters is filled with the kind of natural sensitivity and respect that teens can bring to their peers with challenges: "I understand these kids are just like us, but they may not know these things."

The benefits go both ways. "We are all clicking." Walters added. "It's a joyful time."

Positive Attention: Thoughts from Rob Himburg, M.A.

I went to a parent discussion recently where the moderator talked about how kids' "sphere of influence" expands as they mature. Even through adolescence, parents remain major players in how a child sees him/herself and the world -- but peers matter more and more.

When ADHD is in the picture, this process can be tricky...but rewarding, too. I wanted to know how kids with ADHD can support each other, and Rob Himburg -- director of education at the Leelanau School in Michigan, where he also collaborates with Ned Hallowell, M.D., on a weeklong summer enrichment camp for kids with ADHD and their parents -- seemed like the perfect person to ask. Here's what he's seen: 

When brought together, kids with ADHD connect in a matter of "minutes." Himburg, who works with kids in the summer program while Dr. Hallowell engages their parents, says he can predict the affiliations instantly: "Those four boys are gonna end up building things together in the woods. Those older boys will talk about the music they're into. Those girls will draw together on our breaks."

Just being together is therapeutic for the kids (and, by extension, their parents). "Every year on about the second morning, a mom or dad comes in and says, "'It's already been worth it. My [child] is saying, I can't believe there are other kids just like me.'"

In academic situations, peer support grows from awareness of self and others. Group work, says Himburg, is "maybe one of the most difficult things we ask" of students at Leelanau, which customizes a rigorous college-prep curriculum to different learning styles. But it pays off in stronger empathy and problem solving, he says. When students know their strengths and others', it "helps create a balance" in the group. "The kids are able to decide 'okay, you take notes; you're the idea guy; and you're a great speaker, so you're definitely doing the presentation...'"

Kids with ADHD benefit from caring "typical" friends. Peers without ADHD can bring out the best in their attention-challenged friends by understanding that ADHD has "nothing to do with intelligence," says Himburg; by appreciating strengths ("maybe that friend with ADHD isn't the strongest in math class, but he's the school champion at tree climbing"); by being patient with typical ADHD behaviors like fidgeting, impulsiveness, zoning out, etc.; and, sometimes, through constructive criticism: "A good friend will learn how to say, 'You know that thing you do? People don't seem to like that.'"

Done well, support-type groups for kids with ADHD can be valuable. In his previous work at the Bay-area Charles Armstrong School, Himburg enlisted 6th through 8th grade students in mentoring 2nd through 4th graders. The kids spent lunches together doing service projects, enjoying books (with older students reading aloud), etc. When younger kids started talking about playground challenges, "the older kids asked if they could help out," says Himburg. "So we rotated them through recess, and they became like on-field 'coaches' for fun games. They also brought simple problem-solving tactics -- like the 'do-over' concept when two kids disagree -- that they could demonstrate better than adults."  

So there you go. Given the right conditions, leadership jumps onto the rich list of assets kids with ADHD can use to help other kids. Says Himburg, "Sometimes you just need to get out of their way."

From Bystander to "Upstander"

Once upon a time, bullying was widely considered a rite of passage that toughened kids up for adulthood. But decades of studies have taught us the truth: Bullying is truly a no-win situation. It's bad for the targets, the bullies, and the bystanders.

The good news? A schoolwide commitment can reduce bullying significantly. And while consistent adult leadership and support is a must, some schools are turning bystanders into powerful agents for change.

Most bullying happens away from adult eyes and ears. But for kids, it's a daily reality. Nine of 10 kids say they've seen someone bullied, says the Center for Social and Emotional Education. They can choose to support the bully, ignore the episode, or support the target by finding a way to intervene safely, either in the moment or at another time.

Confronting the bully outright and telling him or her to stop, while courageous, may not always be safe. Other tactics:

~Tell an adult. If scared to name names, just say "please watch the girls' bathroom at lunch...bad things are happening there."
~Pull away the kid who's being bullied, and leave the scene together. Say "I need your help on something" or "Mr. Jones needs to see you right now."
~When a peer is targeted consistently, be a friend. Invite him or her to spend recess or eat lunch together. Give genuine compliments for a job well done or a new haircut, glasses, shoes, etc. Involve him or her in a positive activity. Teach him or her a new game or skill.
~Shoot down untrue or unkind rumors, to keep them from spreading: "That's not cool."

We parents can encourage our kids to step up, too. Think: What do we prioritize and praise? Is an A on that math test more exciting than finding out our kid befriended a bullied peer? It shouldn't be.